I can scarcely wait till tomorrow when a new life begins for me as it does each day, as it does each day.

- Stanley Kunitz

Dear blogger,

2009 was definitely a year filled with joy and happiness. One of the best years so far, hands down.

It was only this year that I finally got the oppurtunity to go back to church. My parents aren’t very religious, and they always claim to be too busy. I was just glad that I got a calling, and I was able to build my relationship with God. After going back to church, I honestly felt like my life changed. My relationships with my family and friends deepened, and I was able to open up to people more, and trust them. I know that God has a plan for me, and I can’t wait to see what I will encounter in the new year.

As God has a plan for me, I also have a plan for myself.

New Years Resolutions:
- make a new friend
- donate money for a good cause
- do something I’m afraid of
- cook dinner for my family
- excercise more
- get a job
- at least an 85% average
- free hugs
- try no facebook for a week (AHHHHHH !)
- tell someone I love them, and actually mean it
- skate at Nathan Phillip’s Square
- shop at thrift store
- order something from yesstyle.com
- make my own purse
- paint pictures for my room
- learn Yiruma songs on the piano
- memorize a whole Chinese song
- dye my hair
- pierce my ears
- faint and fall into someone’s arms
- first kiss (haha)

Last two were jokes. Aha, it will happen when it happens. ; )
That’s it for now, but more will be added on along the way, and others will be crossed out as they happen !

Dear blogger,

People say we look alike, and our physical features resemble one another. But do our souls? I am merely me, and you are merely you. So no one should be comparing us. We are individuals who have our own minds and ways of thinking. Yet, I feel like my identity is lost. Stolen perhaps?

You are just one step ahead of me. Every word you say, every move you make is something I was about to do. But then, you go so fast and grasp it before I get the chance to. Right now it’s the little and simple things that you seem to be achieving before me. I am just scared that what if one day, you get something that belonged to me before I get it.

What is rightfully mine, should belong to me. We must both just accept what we were fated to have.

Is this some kind of race? If you get to the finish line first, does that mean you get the prize? And what’s this prize that we both want so badly? Perhaps it’s love. We run and run, both you’re always one step ahead of me no matter how hard I push forward. Cheating my way to victory won’t prove anything other than the fact that I’m a loser.

Winners never cheat. Cheaters never win.

If I can’t cheat, and yet I don’t ever win, what can I do to win a race? To reach the finish line and finally claim what I deserve. Hmm, so I ask myself. What do runners do to win races?

Practice.

Dear blogger,

Once again, another year has passed. This Christmas was overall great.

Well the truth is, I didn’t get any presents today. Aha, shocker.
It was surprising actually but the thing is, I’m going shopping tomorrow with my mom to stock up and pretty much invade the mall. : )

… BUT the story behind all of this is the fact that my little sister did get me something. She sewed a little stocking, and I think it’s pretty adorable. It really proved to me the true meaning of gift giving since it was obvious how much time and effort was put into making it.
I’m so thankful for my loving family. And I’m even more happy that the presence of Christ could be seen through her.

Thanks sis.

Dear blogger,

I’ve been hard at work these couple of days. Aha busy getting everything prepped and ready for Christmas.

First, I had to mission !
That is, to think of gifts that are both meaningful and affordable for the people I love. I absolutely understand that Christmas presents aren’t the most significant things during the holidays, but it is a time to come together with your friends and family. It’s also an opportunity for me to show my appreciation for these people in the form of a present.
After much thought for every individual, I was finally able to get something for everyone.
: )

Second Mission?
There are picky people on my list too. Why do they have so many expectations? So I had to put more effort for their gifts. … Which I am still indecisive of.

Third:
I was Santa for one night. ; )
So mom my was generous to give me and my sister a ride around town to drop off presents to all the good children. haha

Fourth ?
This was only to be accomplished by the “recipients.” And not myself, because this mission was only achieved when they show me that the effort I put into their presents was worthwhile. A smile, a hug, a call ? : )
Well when I got home, I was glad to hear that everyone appreciated what I have done for them. I’m not going to expose; but someone even said that my card almost made them cry. aha.
I just love my friends and family, and I’m glad to hear that I mean that much to them too.

The motto, “Treat others the way you want to be treated” is such an important factor in my friendships. Everything that I choose to do for them are things that I know I would be thankful for if anyone did the same for me. Personally, I love surprises and small acts of kindness; so I often do these things for my friends too.
Because I love them.

Dear blogger,

Today was one of "those days". Like all in all, it wasn't very good, but yet it's hard to explain exactly why too. I just find it interesting that I have so many things to look forward to, and yet there isn't anythings good in the moment.
Well, tomorrow night I have my Christmas concert at school, Friday is hanging out, Christmas shopping on the last weekend,, church things for Christmas, Toronto ...Next week is going to definitely be good .
Ahh, I just wish that these tings will come sooner ! : )
I can hardly wait, and I find it funny how valuable time is, but yet I want it to also pass by more quickly.
Patience, Michelle.

Dear blogger,

I am a sinner.

Therefore, I go to church. According to the Pastor, the church is a gathering place for sinners to repent and to ask the Lord for forgiveness. No body was meant to be perfect, which means that no church is perfect either. Everything and everyone has its flaws, but we just need to accept them and always strive to do better.

Recently, I have sinned; a lot. I’ve been lying to my parents about going out because I feel the need to hide things from them nowadays. I still remember that not too long ago, I was able to share everything with them. But now, I’ve just been a disappointment to them.

Today, I repented and asked God for forgiveness and most importantly; guidance. So that He may be able to show me the right direction to go. I pray that I may be washed of the darkness and sin in my soul, so that I may be pure.

Dear blogger,

These few days have been hard on me. Both physically and emotionally.

Well there was a snow storm yesterday, and I stayed at home, which was quite relaxing. Plus I got some things done. ahaa… but that’s the only good part about the whole situation. In the afternoon, my mom was off to work and wasn’t coming home until past dinner. So me and my sisters were waiting for my dad to come home from work later on in the afternoon. Seeing so much snow in the driveway, I decided to go out and shovel it myself. I didn’t want my dad to do it after he got home from a long day at work. I love my parents and I appreciate all of their hard work because I understand how hard it is for them to raise a family. Which is why I decide to help out as much as possible.

But who would have thought that wet snow was heavy ? So I went out with a shovel, and no experience and started to scoop. The first fifteen minutes or so seemed fine, and then I realized I was only finished less than 1/4 of the driveway! Yeah sure it was -7 outside, but this was hard labour, and I had to take my jacket off ! haha. When I was halfway finished, I wanted to fall back and just make snow angels like I used to. But it’s different now, I should be more responsible. I don’t think I would have been able to finish the whole driveway if it wasn’t for me persevering myself. My only motivation was to think about how hard my parents work, and how hard I should work.
Total time: Two and a half hours.
Result: Aching back and shoulders that will probably last about a week.

I help out at home as much as I can. But sometimes I forget about my school priorities. On my recent math test, I got 65% . Ouch; that’s not a Michelle Fok mark. What was happening to me? I keep telling myself I need to do better, but this year, times are just getting really hard. So of course I didn’t get the test signed, and my teacher called my dad today. He was in shock too. So again with the lectures, and so did the solution to my marks. My parents keep concluding that I will have to go to Holy Name, because I need a better learning environment in order to get “proper” education and actually go some where in life. But how can I improve my marks if I am forced into an environment that I don’t even like? Now I’m stressing over this because my parents are serious and I need to step up my performance in school. I already have everything that I could possibly ask for in d’y. I have met the most amazing people who have changed my life for the better. I also never thought that I could learn to love again, since the “incident”, but their love for me is stronger and more valuable then anything else right now. They are the ones that bring me up when I am down. It makes my heart ache knowing that I might be separated from my second family.

It’s all up to me to change.

I just don’t know how.

Dear blogger,

Snow day today; whether the news says so or not! So that means hot chocolate and reading in my bed. (:
Ahhh, can't get much better than this.

Dear blogger,

There's is this "someone." A person that used to mean everything to me walked out. Gone. Forever.
I never wanted this to happen, in fact I never thought it would. Our bond was so strong and everything was going fine, but slowly and painfully you slipped away. Just like that. I wish I can say that I have finally found the strength to move on with my life, but I would be lying.
How can I possibly move on when you've impacted me so much?
I wish I can see you again, and talk like we used to. What happened to us? I mean, me and you. The love, the friendship, then good times; out the door.
Your name, and our memories are already engraved in my heart, so I can't forget you. So how am I expected to move on with something like that still in me?
I see you in your new place; hopefully a happier place. I pray that you will be able to find someone who gives you everything that you deserve because I'm sorry I wasn't able to. Seeing you so content with your life makes me happy too, it just hurts to see that I'm not the one that gives you this happiness. I wanted to be. I still want to. But things changed, and we grew up and moved on. It's too late to change the past; all we can do is move on.
I'm trying not to look back to the time, the time that I was the most happiest in my life. Because I know that those days are gone forever. We had so many memorable events in both of our lives that we shared together, and it's just sad to know that there won't be any more.
I don't know why I'm still so weak.
It's been a long time since it all ended, so I should accept the present.
It's just hard to know that you're not in my life any more.
If I could pour my heart out to you and tell you how I feel, will I no longer hurt?

Only God knows.

Dear blogger,

I honestly love my family. They are always there to support me, and I can always talk to them about my emotions. But it wasn't always that way.
I don't think that I ever started to really appreciate their existence in my life until recently. Of course I have always loved them my entire life, but their importance in in my life only increased when I started going back to church a little more than half a year ago. God showed me the way towards the true values and meanings of life. It was probably then that my family meant so much to me. Especially during this time, I always pray for my family. My mom is always stressed from her job, so I try to help her as much as I can, and my dad is always at work too.
My parents are great role models, and I definitely want to raise my family just as they did.

Family; Father And Mother I Love You.

A few days ago in careers class, we were discussing what it meant to "fit in". There was a guy who was trying to find who we really was; if he was who he actually wanted to be, or what his friends wanted him to be. I found it quite interesting actually, because I never thought I ever fit in. I might have been close to normal, but i never fit in.
Fitting in is like buying a sweater. You can't be cheap and buy one that's two sizes bigger and expect to grow into it. You have to buy one that is the same size and color and style as everyone else's.
Who you are is who you want to be.
I need to go out soon and buy a new sweater.